The Reason that I Write These Blogs and do Podcasts
On vacation in the Ozark Mountains during the summer of 2024, I visited a Native American museum. During this visit, I saw an Iroquois painting with these words on it:
“In every deliberation and decision, we must consider the impact on the next seven generations that follow us.”
That is why I write these blogs and do the podcasts. I want my children, grandchildren, my grandchildren’s children, and the next seven generations to know about these topics. Like most people, I want to be remembered. I want those that follow in my footsteps to read, listen, learn, and do!
Loss Can Be Anything
Loss can be anything. The loss of your health. The loss of health of someone who you love. The loss of function. The ability to drive. Independence. Divorce. Retirement. Old age. A house fire. A breakup. A break-in. The death of a pet. The death of a person.
So in a real sense, “loss is loss” and does not have to involve death, although it may. Any person, companion animal, or thing that you loved that is taken away from you, against your will is a loss.
We call those that have suffered loss the bereft. They have been bereaved.
Human Being Grieve Losses
Loss is loss because all loss elicits grief from humans (I think certain animals too).
Speaking of animals, a zebra cannot change his/her stripes. Therefore, the way that you cope with small losses will be the way that you cope with big losses.
What is Grief?
Grief is mostly on the inside and involves people’s mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical reactions to loss. Keep in mind that your grief for a pet may be greater than for a blood relative (e.g., a grandparent who lived in Sun City, AZ who you saw once a year).
Mourning is Different from Grief
Many people use these two words interchangeably. This is incorrect. These two words are not the same.
Remember what I wrote above: grief is mostly on the inside and involves one’s mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical reactions to loss.
In contrast, mourning is on the outside. Some have called it, “grief gone public.” I like that!
Mourning is integrating that loss into a new normal. It is talking about the loss. It could mean placing an empty spot at the table for family dinners or holidays. It may mean that you celebrate special events like birthdays of the deceased or other special dates that meant a lot to him/her.
After 23 years in the field, I am convinced that talking about your losses is key to success.
Keep Young Children and Grandparents in Mind
As an expert in death and dying and having taught it for 23 years at the collegiate level, I agree with many other experts that it is important to involve young children in the funeral.
Do as I do. When they arrive, meet with all the young children privately in a room or office provided by the funeral home. Describe for them what they are going to see and hear.
Tell them that they are going to see the outer shell of the dead person. Describe for them that the dead person is not in there and that the dead person is NOT JUST ASLEEP.
Describe for them that the dead person is gone, forever to a different realm that we cannot see.
Tell them that it is ok if they feel like crying or not crying. Give them permission to feel!
Kids are curious and literal. Therefore, if you say that grandpa went away, for a long time, the child will think that grandpa left them.
Some will want to touch the corpse, kiss the corpse, and otherwise play with the corpse’s things. Let them within reason!
Please take your young children to hospital rooms, nursing homes, and funerals! Remember, I have seen the results of parents shielding their young children from the dying or dead person. Don’t do it!
Also think about grandparents and great-grandparents. If a grandchild or a great grandchild dies, a grandparent or great grandparent faces double or triple the grief.
Pay special attention to grandparents and great grandparents!
There Are Not 5 Stages of Grief or Mourning
I have a pet peeve I am going to share with you.
Remember that these five stages came from the research of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D. For her famous book, she went around and interviewed LIVING PEOPLE who knew that they were dying.
Therefore, these cannot be five stages of grief or mourning.
Instead, these stages are five distinct stages of coping with one’s own death.
I know that you have been brainwashed like many, into thinking that you have to go through these five stages of grief. Not true! These only apply to you if you know you are dying.
Resources for You
Podcast, Season 3, Episode 2. Living with Loss: The Story of Larry Avery.
https://1795consulting.com/episode/s3-e2-living-with-loss-the-story-of-larry-avery/
Podcast, Season 1, Episode 28. Do Physician Assistant Students Receive Adequate End-of-Life Education?
https://1795consulting.com/episode/episode-28-do-physician-assistant-students-receive-adequate-end-of-life-education-an-interview-with-kelvin-freeman/
Podcast, Season 1, Episode 16. Why Death Should Not Be Feared.
https://1795consulting.com/episode/episode-16-why-death-should-not-be-feared-an-interview-with-nicole-kerr/
Podcast, Season 1, Episode 15. Why Don’t More American Adults Do This?
https://1795consulting.com/episode/episode-15-why-dont-more-american-adults-do-this/
Podcast, Season 1, Episode 7. Death and Dying from the Perspective of a Hospice Nurse.
https://1795consulting.com/episode/episode-7-death-and-dying-from-the-perspective-of-a-hospice-nurse-an-interview-with-nurse-penny/
Podcast, Season 1, Episode 5. Death 20 years later. Do Grief and Mourning Change over Time?
https://1795consulting.com/episode/episode-5-death-20-years-later-do-grief-and-mourning-change-over-time-an-interview-with-jeff-and-deb-banks/
Podcast, Season 1, Episode 3. Death and Dying Through the Eyes of a Mortician.
https://1795consulting.com/episode/episode-3/
Blog: Jordan, T.R. (2023). Death Should Not Be Feared.
https://1795consulting.com/death-should-not-be-feared/
Blog: Jordan, T.R. (2023). Adding Life to Ones Remaining Days
https://1795consulting.com/adding-life-to-ones-remaining-days/
Blog: Jordan, T.R. (2022). The Mountain That Everyone Must Climb.
https://1795consulting.com/the-mountain-that-everyone-must-climb/
YouTube Video (2018). Understanding the Experience of Loss.
https://youtu.be/a0QWYEmbw40?si=PmfqFBt29k3QfS7M
Email me and tell me about your losses.
Email: tjordan@1795consulting.com